Cunt Wars

If you’ve ever played Hearthstone and found it to be a little too PG-13, then Cunt Wars is the game for you. It is a brilliant and somewhat innovative take on the online card game genre with tons of expertly crafted features to have you coming back for more.

Not Just a Card Game

These days there are tons of competitive card games out there and it’s gotten to the degree that even MOBA games are branching out to include card games or at the very least auto-chess minigames within. You’re constantly bombarded with new titles from triple-A studios, and it can be hard to decide which one of them deserves your time the most.

However, if you’re reading this review, chances are you’re looking for something a bit spicier than just demons and goblins. You want quality smut and you want it inside a card game. If that’s the case, then you’ve come to the right place. Cunt Wars draws inspiration from several contemporary card games, and some video games that aren’t exactly card-related.

Cunt Wars started out in 2018 under the name Chick Wars with most of the content that you can find in the game today. It’s played on a grid, with you on the left your opponent on the right, and a dividing line down the middle. You can place your cards on the board in any of your open slots, and they then proceed to take action against and towards your enemy, to the right. It’s simple enough. The grid system appears to be inspired by Plants VS Zombies, as it is very reminiscent of that game. The cards on the other hand are a straight homage to games like Hearthstone and the lesser known Slay the Spire.

Your cards represent characters and when you slide them into play they become 2D sprites of actual creatures that are ready to do combat against the other player. There are ranged units and melee units, as well as tons of units that have special abilities, like summoning a secondary character next to themselves or healing your health points. One way or another, you play your turn, place a character and they duke it out in straight lines. The creatures on the board either fight the enemy creatures in front of them, or slam your opponent in the face, losing him HP points in the process. The match is over when one of you has 0 health points and the other is declared the winner.

A Smutty Take on a Classic Formula

The gameplay is simple enough for new players to get the hang of it within minutes, and the game is nice enough to throw you right into a basic tutorial that flows really quickly. In fact, you can follow through with the tutorial quite fast to learn everything you need to know about the game and pick up some in-game lore while you’re at it.

There’s not much to the lore, though, as it follows the standard online porn game approach of having you be male and damn near everything else be female. Also, all the females are inexplicably attracted to you to the point that they simply must have sex with you. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but this approach is a staple of porn writing. That is at least if the target audience is men.

As for what makes this a smut game rather than just another card game, well, all the characters in the game are nude. No, it doesn’t end there, but it needs to be said. You put hot drawn and animated babes into action and they’re nude from the get go – from their artsy renditions on the cards to their cute anime inspired representations on the board. They’re going to be either entirely nude, or at the very least flashing and jiggling their breasts at you at all times.

But worry not, because that’s not nearly the end of the smut. There’s also a long story to the game, that is played through more or less entirely in single player, and the story comes with a lot of sex scenes that are unfortunately not animated. They feature the characters that are in fact cards from your deck, sexually pleasing you when they get to take a break from combat.

This part of the game would have been a lot more satisfying had the sex scenes been animated, but the game has such a large scope and it’s clear that most of the money went into making sure the gameplay was polished.

A High Quality Card Game

And the game really is polished – make no mistake. This is not a porn game masquerading as a card game. This is a proper competitive video game that you can enjoy with and against other people, but we’ll get into that later.

The idea is that this game is trying to bridge both smut and card gaming and keep you interested long enough to entice you to keep coming back for more. The game is far from grindy, in that you spend most of your time actually playing, rather than farming for gold or experience.

You naturally get to grow your deck as well, by acquiring new hot and dangerous babes for your card harem. You can acquire cards by simply playing the single player game. They’re injected into the story, so in essence they’re characters that sign up to fight alongside you. On top of that you level up when you win fights and this comes with in-game currency that you can use to purchase specific cards that you want.

This is roughly the part where the developers are hoping to earn back some of their money, by letting you spend hard earned real-world dollars to purchase in-game gold that you can use to buy cards. Naturally, if you dump your entire savings into this game, you’ll have a killer deck in no time, but this is more than forgivable given that this is exactly how triple A non-smut gaming studios operate their card games as well.

There is one particular mechanic that this game has that is not featured in mainstream card games and it’s rather innovative. Because your cards are considered characters rather than just cards, they gain experience as you use them. That means that you can level up your cards and make them stronger as you go along. And these changes are permanent – they’re not limited to a single match. They do not reset. This is a very unique card game mechanic that still hasn’t found its way to the mainstream.

PvP and PvE

This is easily the most innovative part of Cunt Wars. They feature the standard PvP where you can duke it out against other people who are also playing the game at the same time as you, and that’s a standard staple of the genre. However, they’ve also added a ton of scripted PvE dungeons in which you and other people can gang up on an enemy boss, like an MMORPG dungeon raid. To this day, no mainstream card game has allowed for this.

Hearthstone has dabbled with a few similar concepts, and it does have a ton of single player dungeons, but Cunt Wars lets you bring in your buddies alongside you rather than on the opposite side of the table. Plus, the entire single player campaign comes with a sexy story. And regarding those sex scenes that you unlock along the way – you can view any of those over and over again in your gallery, as long as you’ve seen them once. That means that you can keep coming back to them if you enjoyed the smut and just avoid the game itself for a while if you’re in the mood for a wank session. Then, you can get back to the gameplay and teach other players a thing or two about card game combat.

A Very Smooth Experience

The game runs entirely in-browser and while it does take a little while to load, this is to be expected. All the assets are preloaded so once you’re in the game, you’re there for good. You don’t have to wait for anything. Also, given that it’s entirely 2D and played in a browser, you don’t have to worry about minimum requirements. This game could easily be played on a smart fridge.

But if that’s not impressive enough, the makers of Cunt Wars went way out of their way to bring their game to as many people as possible by developing an Android version of the game. And given that this game mainly uses drag-and-drop card mechanics, it makes for a perfect mobile experience. The app is naturally slightly better than the in-browser experience, thanks to the way Android handles native apps. While the game isn’t available on the app store, the site features a handy link that will take you to a direct download for the game. Your account and your progress remain forever saved, cross-platform of course. The game couldn’t possibly be polished any further, so if sexy card games are your thing, you have to give it a try.