VLC Media Player

A Silver Lining Made of Boobs

There is a lot going on in the world to be upset about. The United States of America is being led by an idiot man toddler who is perpetually covered in Cheetos dust and seems hellbent on emboldening Nazis and dangerous dictatorships all over the world. The UK is being led by basically the British version of that guy (so, Donald Trump with worse teeth). And the world is literally on fire due to climate change and greedy corporations who are doing everything in their power to squash any serious efforts toward correcting it.

It can seem downright apocalyptic at times. Like we are all doomed and there is nothing left for us to do but sit back and await the inevitable … either the decimation of the human species do to global warming’s superstorms and quickly rising sea levels, or a world war three situation, in which we will nuke each other to bits. At this point it’s just a race between those two options, it seems … I wonder which folly will foil our species first.

But it isn’t all bad. On the flipside of this doomed coin destined to send us back to the dark ages, we also are in a golden age of porn. A sort of pornographic renaissance, if you will. There is, far and away, so much more porn in existence today than there ever has been at any other point in history. And on top of that, it is much easier to access than ever before. But perhaps most importantly, the quality of the porn that we have at our fingertips is unprecedented. Whether its 4K HD movies of beautiful women taking mouthfuls of jizz or virtual reality videos where we can actually feel like we are the ones filling these beautiful porn stars’ mouths full of jizz, there is no doubt about it, porn has never been as good as it is now.

It is truly a beautiful time to be alive. In fact, when it comes to porn, the only problem we are faced with is one of oversaturation. With so much porn available and so much of it being top-notch, primo, cream of the crop level content, how on earth is one supposed to know which porn sites and/or porn viewing methods are the best ones? Well, that is exactly why I am here, my friends!

Just like my hero, The Porn Dude before me, I will help you weed out the undesirable porn sites and porn viewing programs. If The Porn Dude taught me one thing during his unofficial mentoring of me (it’s unofficial because he has no idea about it … but he has taught me everything I know), it is that a porn site reviewer’s job is to save you, the dear and valued reader, as much time and money (and wasted semen) as possible. So, tirelessly, I labor to do just that. I really hope you appreciate it. I know my work isn’t half as good as The Porn Dude’s, but I do my best … and that’s what counts, right?

Great Porn Requires a Great Media Player

If you are one of those people who depends on torrenting or free porn download sites in order to enjoy his smut, then you are also going to need a great media player that can handle a breadth of different file types, dependably, as well as one that can handle the highest of video qualities without acting all glitchy. Well, believe it or not, frequently, the media player that came with your computer probably isn’t going to cut it.

Maybe you have run into this problem in the past: you download a torrent of a porn video that you have been waiting to watch for god knows how long. You wait and wait and wait for the file to finish downloading. And then, once it finally does, you excitedly open it, already half chub and with a handful of lube, ready to pull yourself into bliss. But then, the unthinkable happens. The video file won’t play. What the heck? You have Windows Media Player … that’s the video playback standard, is it not?

It is not. It turns out, Windows Media Player (and the built-in media players from most operating systems) just weren’t programmed to play some of the more obscure file types that you are likely to encounter on your pornographic travels. That’s why, at some point or another, you are probably going to want to find a better one. This is exactly what happened to me when I tried to upload and playback the sex tape that I made of me and Dolly (my beautiful redheaded sex doll). It was recorded in some strange file type that Windows Media Player would not recognize. And, so, I had to embark on a journey to find one that would.

The Best Media Player of Them All?  

Luckily, though (again thanks to The Porn Dude), I quickly found the media player to end all media players. And that was VLC. Maybe you have heard of it before? Possibly you’ve seen it on a friend’s computer or something. Maybe you’ve heard it being talked about on one of the many porn forums that, if you are anything like me, you frequent on a daily basis. Either way, VLC is pretty much going to be your savior from hereon out, I can guarantee it.

There is virtually nothing that VLC won’t play. I have sworn by this media player for years and I have never once encountered a file that VLC did not recognize. Whether it was one of the many sex tapes that I make with my sex doll or any weird, esoteric file type from a torrent. VLC will make it happen, so you can get to fappin’! (Whoa, somebody should tell them that I just stumbled upon their new slogan!).

You will never run into an issue with VLC. Whether you are playing a DVD, a webcam stream, from a device, a file, or from a CD-ROM (remember those?). It can handle literally anything you throw at it (much like a seasoned porn star), be it MP2, MP3, MP1/2, MP4, AC3, WMA, WMV, FLAC, ALAC, MIDI, ETC. If it’s an acronym, VLC will play it. Take a lick of that nut sack, Windows Media Player…

Works on Every and Any Platform

Another benefit to VLC is that you don’t have to be concerned about what platform you are using. Windows? Easy … Mac? No problem … Linux? Of course! It’s not just for computers either … take your porn mobile with VLC for equally fast and high-quality streams of the steamiest smut your phone can handle. Both iOS and Android are supported. So, no matter which phone you are a slave to, Apple or Droid, you’ll be able to fap just as efficiently on the go.

Another cool thing about VLC is the fact that you can add custom skins. Either choose one of the many skin presets that VLC has made available for users, or you can dream up your own with their exclusive skin editor. Want your porn player to be porn themed? Knock yourself out, buddy. Put some skin on your skin and enjoy (for once, I’m actually not talking about wanking here!).

Skins, Extensions, and Free Sourced Software

VLC also has a butt load of exclusive extensions for you to choose from to enhance your porn theater experience. Nothing like some good add-ons to help you get your fap on. Try out the History Based Shuffle extension, which shuffles content based on viewing/listening history. Or maybe you’d prefer Jump to Time Previous Frame, which lets you skip around videos, one frame to the next. Never blindly click on the scrub bar again in hopes of finding your favorite position. With this extension, simply click a button to jump to the next frame. Awesome. Extensions are so cool. Now, if only I could get extensions for my dong…

We have not even touched upon what might be the best part of VLC Media Player yet. And that is, of course, the fact that it is absolutely free of charge. VLC is a not for profit. They open source all of their programs, skins, and extensions … all that this organization cares about, at the end of the day, is providing people with a better way to view media (and, yes, porn counts). Their website promises, “No spyware, no ads, and no user tracking,” which means that you have completely uninterrupted, risk-free, and private fapping sessions, no charge, for the rest of your perverted days!

That being said, go try it out for yourself. And if you find that you enjoy it, even slightly, donate whatever you can afford. That is how VLC survives and continues to optimize their programs, as well as offer cool features like extensions and customizable skins. While you do that, I think I am going to grab Dolly and make another porno of my own. Maybe this time, I’ll try to talk my body pillow, Suki into joining us for a little threeway action. Ciao!